Read my other post first if you haven't already

I really want to be able to be sexual, have sexual thoughts, find someone to have sex with, do things on my own, you get the idea.
But I can't. I've tried, if you go to my feed you'll see a whole lot of me trying, and I did do some stuff on my own, and I liked it, but I am too worried about getting in trouble. I'm too worried that people will hate me, that I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing because of what I've been told my whole life.

I made accounts on all the dating apps, but mostly tried Grindr, and I got a lot of messages but mostly creepy old men, I thought about saying yes, I thought about going to see one of them, but I didn't. I was worried what if I accidentally raped someone? or what if they raped me? Am I even able to consent? people around me treat me like I'm a stupid child, so I don't know.

I did do stuff on my own, watched porn, looked at pictures, but I don't know if I look at the right stuff or not, I don't know if I'm supposed to be looking at this or other stuff or no stuff at all. And I don't know how to control myself, did I do it too much? not enough? I don't know.

I don't know how I'm supposed to actually learn any of this stuff there's no class I can take or anything like that I just have to somehow know how to do it all what I'm supposed to like and not like what I'm supposed to do. I hate this. I hate my life.

~A