Alright this ones a bit of a uh, yeah. idk, its something that *really* bothers me, and something that I cant really talk to anyone about, I did talk to V about it but theres a lot of stuff I cant tell him, stuff I have to keep to myself, so. I'm writing this after having already talked to V about things and had some advice and understanding about things so I'll start with the backstory.

All my life my family, specifically my mother, has told me or insinuated that I am not supposed to do anything sexual because of my autism, that I'm supposed to never think about that stuff, do that stuff or anything. Always been told things like I dont have the mental capacity for it, I dont have the understanding for it, all that kind of stuff. When my brother and sister got to be 18 my mum talked to them about it you know the parents birds and the bees talk or whatever, but she'd always say stuff like "haha its good i never have to talk about this with you its really awkward" so yeah. And I never really went to school properly, I didnt go to any sex ed classes, I wasnt around people my age talking about it, all that stuff, and it was never really a problem, and then when I came out as trans I was 23, and I became part of the LGBT community and I learned about asexuality and just kinda went "oh yeah thats me sure" and just carried on.

Fast forward to a couple years ago, my (now ex) best friend E moved and went to live near his girlfriend. Me and him would talk about *everything* and once he'd moved, that included him talking about his sex life, telling me all about the things he did with his girlfriend, the things he wanted to do, the things they planned to do, and initially it didnt bother me, but he talked about it so much over the course of like a year that it started to idk, trigger things in my mind? it made me start thinking about sex and sexual things, and its led me to this point.

I think about sex all the time, its like a hyperfixation, its always in my mind, and I cant do anything about it, I can't just have sex, who would i do it with? what if my family and friends found out? what if something worse happened? V said that "oh you can do it you just need to find the right person 😇" but over 20 years of being told I cant and shouldnt and now I'm in such a fucked up position of wanting to do and experience things while simultaneously being terrifed of getting in trouble or being hated and stuff.

And its not like, idk, its not like I couldnt do it if I wanted to, people have wanted to do it with me, my old friend S she said multiple times she wanted to and i just kind of ignored her, we're not friends anymore and I didn't know why but now with all this stuff I feel like maybe that is why she stopped being my friend, idk. I did make accounts on all the apps, tindr, grindr etc and I got a bunch of matches, admittedly most of them were creepy old men but some were other trans people and stuff like that. If I wanted to do it I could find someone quite easily.

And also I'm not sure *who* I'm supposed to be attracted to, if I like trans people am I a chaser? is it ok for me to like girls? or guys? or non binary people? am I supposed to like people with a penis or vagina? am I supposed to like boobs and butts, because I do, I looked at a lot of pictures of them :)) but I know in my mind theres things I do and don't like when I see people, but if I was open about that would I be a horrible person? if I said I liked trans girls would that be a bad thing? My friend M she's trans and I think I might be attracted to her, is it bad of me to think that way about someone whos a friend?

And V mentioned at one point "you could uh you know do stuff on your own to see what you like" and idk about that, masturbating and porn and everything, I tried watching porn but something in my mind just wouldnt let me, it felt like, idk, is this consensual? should i be watching this? would the person who uploaded it be mad if i watched it? I did then find a little loophole to that where I bought a few only fans subscriptions because like, the paying part is like consent and they'd be fine and happy, and I did see some stuff I liked and stuff I didn't, but then I started worrying "what if this is just a porn thing, and if I wanted to actually do it irl that would be super weird and fucked up" and all this stuff.

And I see things online posts and stuff about autistic people having sex and in my mind it just it seems unfair that this whole spectrum thing and theres so many people on it who can do this and I'm just on 1 small spot on the spectrum that means I cant.

I have so many urges and thoughts that it can be debilitating, "horniness" or whatever but with so many complications and issues that it just is a terrible thing while for most people apparently its a normal or good thing. And its got to a point where movies, tv, games etc sometimes trigger me in super simple ways, if theres like some hot actress or whatever, it just, I wish I wasn't like this, and I wish I could be a good person.

I can't do anything about all this stuff, it drives me insane, I want to do sex things, I can't do sex things, I want to experience things but I can't, I could never get into detail about it with anyone, I couldnt tell my family they'd hate me, I can't tell V anymore than I already told him, I can't tell M because 1: shes ace, 2: she might hate me and 3: what if I *do* want to do things with her? she'd hate me if I told her that part. I cant tell a therapist either, I dont know how to do therapy, and I dont think I'd even be capable of saying any of these words out loud, and I'd be embarrassed or whatever to show a therapist all this. idk

I am trying to work towards being more ok with things that I feel, the urges, the thoughts, but it's hard, don't be surprised if there's a lot more nsfw stuff on here in the future, I need somewhere to get it out.

~A