My brothers having a kid with his girlfriend, we found out at the beginning of the year and idk its supposed to be a good thing, and it is like wow go you you did it and I'm happy for him and everything but I know my family and his son will be hard to avoid, I'd have to see him a lot, which I don't think is the best idea. When I look back on my life and think about my aunt, and how much influence and stuff she had on me, it makes me realise that if I'm going to be the aunt of this kid, and I'm gonna be living right down the road from him, theres a chance I'd have an influence on him which I do NOT want happening. My aunt is like an awesome person, kind, friendly, caring, helpful, all the good things, but I'm none of those things, and I'm mentally fucked up, i dont want to ruin this kid in any way, even if its not *my* kid, if I end up spending a lot of time around him I'm bound to have some kind of negative effect.

I always wanted to have kids of my own but I always knew I never should because someone like me just would not be able to care for a kid properly, would not be able to provide for one, it would be terrible, so I just idk came to terms with never having one despite like, i deseperatly wanted to have one and still do. also I couldnt have one the standard way so I'd have had to adopt which would never happen, single unemployed mentally ill person is like not even considered for adopting.

And its not I dont mean autistic people in general, I know its a spectrum and everyones different but just the part where I am is not a good one, the way people treat me and act around me, its like im still a child, despite being 26, so I just dont think I'd ever be able to be at the point of being capable of looking after a kid.

and now my brothers having a kid, probably in 1-2 months? idk, 9 months it was janurary/feburary they told us? i think? and I could be an aunt, I could be around and help but I cant because I have to avoid them, I'll have to avoid my brother too, one of the only 2 family members who seems to care about me.
ugh

~A